


Wake up and smell the coffee

by epithalamium



Category: Free!
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Humor, I'm Sorry, M/M, Rin/Haru would not be the end game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-01-27 14:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1714457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epithalamium/pseuds/epithalamium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Don't stay out too late,' said Rin. He didn't step closer to Nitori, didn't lean over, didn't press a kiss on the top of Nitori's head. Those were comforts Rin couldn't afford to give. Not if he wanted to be fair to Nitori.</p>
<p>In another reality, Rin would have done all that. In another reality, he would never have made Nitori cry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Started out as a drabble I posted [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1662008), but I've always planned it as a three-part fic so I thought it should have a post of its own. *looks away shiftily*

Unrequited love wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t really how the songs portray it. You go on with your life, knowing there was a possibility closed to you, like a locked door, and you think about it sometimes. Once in a while, the un-possibility of it, the things you would never know and never experience, would fill you with a vague feeling of dread, panic burning deep in your gut so you’d have to sit down and try not to think and eventually it would fade into something tolerable, something you could ignore.

It was—if Aiichirou had to make a comparison, which didn’t really help matters any, but—it was like having a toothache. Bothersome, but not fatal. Nothing to write songs about, for sure. 

He was probably not a romantic person. 

But he had his moments, sitting at his desk alone in the room and supposedly revising for class. Thinking about the certainties of null-ness: the soft eager happy expression Rin would never put on for him. The feel of Rin’s lips against his own. The warmth of being held close. All locked doors. Non-possibilities. 

*

‘Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt?’ 

Aiichirou looked at Rin, put on a frown, and forgot about the toothache. ‘Yes.’ 

‘What do you do about it?’ 

‘Nothing.’ That didn’t seem to satisfy Rin; Aiichirou could sense a lecture about ‘trying hard and doing one’s best’ coming, so he hastily added, ‘It depends.’ 

‘On what?’ 

Lecture averted, Aiichirou shrugged. ‘If you know you can have what you want if you try hard enough, go for it. You want to compete in the Olympics, don’t you, senpai? Then you do your best. But there are things you can’t have, and you just learn to do without.’ 

‘That’s defeatist attitude,’ said Rin, frowning. ‘How do you know you can’t have something if you don’t try?’ 

‘I’ve tried,’ said Aiichirou. 

‘And you gave up after a couple attempts. Do you really want it badly enough?’ 

‘Some things are more important.’ 

‘Such as?’ Rin crossed his arms over his chest, moving his chair from his own desk so he can face Aiichirou. 

Aiichirou shrugged. ‘Things.’ 

‘Well, that was helpful,’ said Rin, huffily. He turned back to his desk, holding up the novel he was reading for class. Aiichirou waited and minutes passed without Rin turning the page.

‘I… there’s someone I want,’ said Rin, finally. 

Mild discomfort became actual pain, but Aiichirou only nodded. ‘Do you want to talk about it, senpai?’ 

* 

Because life had a sense of humour, you could actually find yourself cheering on the person you love in the pursuit of someone else and mean it. 

* 

‘Why don’t you just ask him out?’Aiichirou said, one night when the lights were out and they were both in bed. A sliver of light from the lamps outside the dorm cut across the ceiling, bright, definite against the shadows. Because they couldn’t see each other, it was easier to be honest. One can cry without making a sound. 

‘Who?’ said Rin, when Aiichirou was starting to think he’d pretend to be asleep. 

‘Nanase-san. He’s the one you like, isn’t he, Rin-senpai?’ 

‘I don’t know.’ 

Aiichirou sighed, but didn’t say anything more. There was something glorious about uncertainty, but he didn’t think Rin would appreciate the thought, so he kept his mouth shut. 

* 

Sometimes effort pays off. More often, it doesn’t. Sometimes you make mistakes. 

* 

Uncertainty bred fear, but it was attractive. Maybe he took advantage of Rin’s vulnerability. Or maybe it was a final desperate attempt to open that one door. Aiichirou wasn’t sure. But he knew well enough it was a mistake. Non-possibility forced into existence, series of events that led to the possibility of rejection—no matter how certain—becoming reality. 

Rin’s lips were soft against his, but unyielding. 

‘Ai—’ 

‘It’s okay, senpai,’ said Aiichirou, moving away from Rin and not meeting Rin’s eyes. ‘I—this is the part where I apologise, isn’t it?’ 

To his surprise, Rin laughed. It wasn’t a cruel sound. ‘Maybe.’ 

‘Maybe you should try.’

‘What?’ 

‘If I can do it, so can you,’ said Aiichirou. His smile lacked wattage, but he doubted Rin noticed. ‘Tell Nanase-san you like him, Rin-senpai.’ 

‘I would.’ 

The words made Aiichirou cry, but Rin didn’t seem to mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be pretentious here and admit that the idea for this started because of a VERY brief and one-sided flirtation with quantum mechanics. Specifically the Copenhagen and many worlds interpretations of it. You can hear the butchered echoes of it in sentences like, 'In a different universe they were in love.' *looking shiftily away intensifies*

In a different universe they were in love.

*

'I would,' said Rin. He could still feel Nitori's lips against his own, ghost of a kiss stolen in the privacy of the shower rooms at night.

He didn't notice at first that Nitori had started to cry, lower lip trembling even as he fought to maintain a small watery smile.

'Ai.' Rin took a deep breath, 'Ai, don't cry.' By force of habit formed when he was very young and had to take care of Gou while their mum was away at work, the instinct to give comfort made Rin reach out, intending to hold Nitori close. His fingertips brushed against the sleeve of Nitori's jacket.   


'It's all right, senpai,' Nitori said again. His face was getting all red and crumpled up, tears and snot running down his chin. He wasn't looking at Rin, arms crossed almost protectively over his chest. 'I—I just need to.' Nitori's voice broke, and Rin shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his trousers. 'I'll be fine. You should go back to the dorms.'   


'Don't stay out too late,' said Rin. He didn't step closer to Nitori, didn't lean over, didn't press a kiss on the top of Nitori's head. Those were comforts Rin couldn't afford to give. Not if he wanted to be fair to Nitori.   


In another reality, Rin would have done all that. In another reality, he would never have made Nitori cry.   


Rin left Nitori standing alone in the shower room, and he didn't stop running until he reached the dorm.   


*

It was like a trapeze act: you let go of the bar, swinging in mid-air for a heart-stopping moment, and you reach out. You trust that your partner would grab your hand and pull you back up.

Sometimes you let go too early. Sometimes your partner would reach out too late. Timing was everything.

Sometimes you fall.   


*

Swimming was what brought Rin and Haruka together. It was also what tore them apart. If Rin had to be ruthlessly truthful, he would admit that it was actually ambition that did that. Ambition and self-doubt.

 

After seeing Rin's face during that final race in the old swimming pool, Haruka had given up swimming competitively altogether.

'He couldn't. Not when you were hurting.'   


Makoto had never been anything but kind, and he'd never stopped believing in Rin, but the implications were still there: Haruka had given up something he loved because he'd hurt Rin. How was Rin supposed to feel about that?   


'I don't need your fucking commiseration,' he said, because anger was easier to handle than the other emotions that formed a hot painful lump at the back of his throat.   


'It's not that,' said Makoto. 'It was never that.' He made a sound that was equal parts a sigh and a laugh. 'I just wanted to say I'm glad you're back.'   


Rin shrugged, burying his face between his knees. In front of them: the shimmering waters of the pool, and Nagisa was letting go of Rei's hands while Rei made a pathetic attempt at a front crawl. Haruka floated nearby, his eyes closed, a stray leaf resting unheeded on one cheek.   


'Thank you,' said Rin.   


*

You said 'I would', the words that follow—the excuses, the recriminations, all the reasons why you couldn't,

the word 'but'—were silent.

*

It was night, students either gone to bed or the thick of revising. Nitori poring over a book about zoology, biting his lower lip in concentration. Rin watched him surreptitiously from the edges of his Mishima Yukio novel, and apropos to nothing said, 'Haru doesn't want to hurt me.'

Nitori turned to face Rin, although he didn't make eye contact.

'I don't want guilt to come into this,' said Rin.   


'Have you told him?' When Rin didn't answer, Nitori stood up and moved closer to where he was sitting, placing one hand on his shoulder. 'You shouldn't second-guess yourself like this, senpai. You always think of the worst scenarios first.'   


Nitori had always thought Rin better than he actually was, and because Rin wasn't quite as strong as Nitori gave him credit for, he allowed himself to relax, move forward and rest his head against Nitori's stomach. There was a hesitation's worth of pause before Nitori put his arms around Rin's shoulders, and Rin hated the absurdity of it all, how he'd been reduced to this, how easy it was to be held by Nitori like this and feel like everything's going to be all right.   


Rin pulled away eventually, and if Nitori noticed the tear stains on his shirt, he said nothing about it.   


*

There are things you can't have. You just have to get used to living without.

*

It was getting dark. Rin stepped out of the pool and took off his goggles, turning back to see Haruka still in the water, facing the stars.

'We should be getting back,' said Rin. 'The water's cold.'   


Haruka didn't say anything, but he started swimming towards Rin with a faintly irritated look on his face. Rin held out one hand, pulling Haruka up. He frowned when Haruka shook his head, drops of water from his hair spattering Rin's face.   


'It's late,' said Rin. He didn't let go of Haruka's hand.   


'It was your idea.'   


Rin looked away. In his mind he could almost hear Nitori's voice:  _Have you told him?_   


He opened his mouth, but Haruka was already giving his hand a gentle squeeze before letting go, their eyes meeting for one breathless moment, and Rin realised all the things they could be, the bond they could have, the paths they could walk together   


the words he might have said.   


Rin stepped back, breath almost a sigh. He smiled. 'Maybe in a different life.'   


'Yes,' said Haru. And he smiled back.


	3. Chapter 3

They were mirror-images of each other; perfect and inversed. What would have it been like, if they'd joined as one?

They might have known still, had they made different choices. But decisions have already been made, realities collapsing to make way for one possibility each.

*

Rin thought of everything that would never happen, all the lives he wouldn't live, and that scared the fuck out of him. Sad and restless, he knew Nitori worried, was scared that Rin had gone back to his old habits of defence mechanisms and silences.

It was unfair to resent Nitori for a choice Rin had made, but he couldn't help himself. He'd spent so many years thinking of Haruka, what he represented to Rin's life, and it wasn't easy to adjust to the fact that Rin had finally looked away from the mirror to see a boy whose hair fell like tears that framed his worried little face.

He didn't deserve to have Nitori holding him close and making it all better. Not after what he'd done.

But that was exactly what he wanted the most.

*

'It's sort of like a toothache,' said Nitori, in his most helpful tones. 'It's painful and bothersome, but you won't die from it.'

That was certainly more prosaic than Shakespeare had put it—although Rin thought Nitori would neither appreciate nor fully understand the comparison if he'd said that aloud. He was slowly realising how unromantic Nitori was. It fit with all the scientific textbooks on his desk, the diagrams of his beloved water bugs. Rin had pegged Nitori to be some sort of dreamer; Nitori and his clutter of mementoes and precious memories. But comparing heartbreak with toothache put things in a rather alarming perspective.

'You have no poetry in your soul,' said Rin.

'There are different languages in poetry, surely,' said Nitori, lower lip sticking out. 'That's not the issue here, senpai.'

'I don't want to talk about it,' said Rin, fighting the urge to throw his English dictionary at Nitori's face. Men have indeed died and worms have eaten them. Because they were oblivious little twats.

'It's just,' said Nitori, fiddling with the pages of his notebook. 'I have an idea what it feels like. And I worry, is all.'

'Why do you care so much?' said Rin.

'Because that's what friends do,' said Nitori. And it wasn't as if Rin didn't appreciate Nitori's earnestness; Nitori's small lips tightening, eyebrows furrowing, as he resolved to help cheer Rin up from whatever funk Rin has gotten himself into. He did appreciate the effort, and that made it worse somehow.

It took a while for Rin to realise that he actually liked being Nitori's friend. It took even longer for him to understand that it wasn't just friendship he was after.

And considering how his luck usually turned out, it was unsurprising that Rin would experience this epiphany after the chance to act upon the fact had come and gone. Nitori himself had shown Rin the road to this possibility, and Rin had ignored it. Sometimes he wondered if it wasn't too late to retrace his steps, do everything he couldn't—he wouldn't—do before. But the thought of Nitori looking at him, the memory of Nitori's watery smile, the doubts and suspicions that would surely follow when Nitori figures out that Rin was only doing this to be kind, to fill the emptiness Haruka had left in his heart, the idea that one of them at least should be happy.

How can Rin even begin to convince Nitori that he didn't need to worry about any of that, that it wasn't about pity or misplaced affections at all?

Perhaps it was time to move on.

But he couldn't find it in himself to do so.

'Rin-senpai?' Briefest touch of Nitori's fingertips on Rin's arm before Nitori started tugging at Rin's sleeve, the warmth of his hand that Rin could feel through the worn fabric of his shirt and he wanted to reach out and feel Nitori's fingers tangling with his, pull him close, feel Nitori's arms around him.

For a moment neither of them moved, and then Rin was smiling, not meeting Nitori's eyes. 'Thank you.'

*

Sometimes he would look up in the middle of the night, stare at the bottom of Nitori's bed, one fingertip tracing the line of his own lips, tracing the memory of a stolen kiss.

*

Aiichirou had taken to waiting outside Rin's classroom at the end of each school day, hovering nervously near the door and hoping that his other upperclassmen wouldn't take too much notice of his presence there, tease Matsuoka about his little stalker.

Rin didn't seem to mind, had only looked surprised the first time this happened, finally looking away and mumbling something about walking to the covered pool together. It later became a habit, so that Rin would frown and scold whenever Aiichirou arrives late, telling Aiichirou how long he'd been waiting, and Aiichirou would smile and apologise, which would make Rin even angrier.

There were times when Rin would frown and pout and ignore Aiichirou altogether, and Aiichirou would never tell anyone—least of all Rin—but he actually found it adorable, and sometimes arrived late on purpose.

It made him worry about Rin less, knowing that Rin wasn't pushing everyone away any more, wrapping his own worries and pain around him like an armour. Not even now, when he would sometimes look out the window, sharp teeth worrying at his lower lip, an expression that was almost  
guilt crossing his face when Aiichirou called his name.

Aiichirou wasn't the person who can make Rin happy, but at least he can be a good friend.

*

Because Aiichirou wasn't as selfless as he wanted to be, and because dreaming never hurt anyone, he would think about that night in the shower rooms, when he should be asleep or revising. A month and more softening the edges of the memory so that he could think back without feeling it like a knife in his chest.

Think about that night in the shower rooms, and in his mind, he could feel Rin kissing him back.

*

'You don't have to stay, you know.'

'Buchou said I should train harder,' said Nitori, hand tightening around his stopwatch. 'I have more reason to stay behind than you do, senpai.'

Rin wanted to say that Mikoshiba was a fool, but that would be unfair. Despite his careless attitude, Mikoshiba had proven to be an astute captain; understanding and supportive when it came to his teammates. And he hadn't given up on Nitori even though almost everyone—including Nitori himself—thought he was a hopeless cause.

'And what about school work?'

'I can catch up tomorrow.'

'You'd better,' said Rin, smile almost threatening. It never worked on Nitori, who just made a face.

'I can stay with you then?'

Rin didn't bother answering. He turned back to the pool and pulled his goggles on, two fingers straining against the strap before letting go, sharp snap as the strap hit the back of his head, loud in the almost deserted area. Behind him, he could hear Nitori's feet slapping against the tiles, walking towards him.

'Ready!'

Rin dived.

*

Curfew was hours ago, and Aiichirou felt as if his arms were about to fall off. He couldn't imagine how Rin must feel, since Rin had been swimming longer than him. He was probably used to stricter regimes, back in Australia. Still, Aiichirou couldn't help thinking that perhaps Rin wasn't human after all, at least not wholly so. Like a creature made both of flesh and determination.

'Senpai?' Aiichirou didn't know why he was whispering, but he was. It was probably the silence between them, the soft sounds of water like whispers themselves. 'I think we should go back.'

'Yeah,' said Rin, bracing his arms against the tiles and hauling himself half out of the water.

Aiichirou leaned down; arm extended to hand Rin his towel. 'Good work tonight, senpai.'

*

Without thinking, Rin reached out for Nitori's hand. Nitori looked surprised, but he didn't say anything as he helped Rin out of the pool.

*

Rin was close enough that Aiichirou could feel his breath against his own face.

'Rin,' he swallowed, 'senpai.'

*

Nitori's eyelashes looked heavy with drops of water, strands the colour of tears, eyes the colour of the sea on a clear summer day.

This time, Rin leaned down.

*

Rin's lips were as soft as Aiichirou remembered. Faint scent of chlorine, and he could feel the drops of water from Rin's hair on his skin, cold even though Rin's hands—still holding Aiichirou's—were warm.

*

Possibly that kiss didn't happen in a different universe.

Fuck that.

This was the reality that mattered.

*

'Shh,' said Rin. A pause and, realising he hadn't let go of Nitori's hand, started pulling him back to the pool. 'Do you hear that?'

Nitori allowed himself to be pulled, closing his eyes as he tried to concentrate. 'Footsteps?'

'Caretaker, probably.'

'He'll catch us here!' said Nitori.

'No he won't.' The footsteps were getting louder, and in the space between the door and the floor a sliver of light, presumably from the caretaker's torch. For the umpteenth time that night, Rin dived.

*

The pool, at night; Rin pulling him down so they wouldn't be seen, and under the water, another kiss. Aiichirou opened his mouth, his gasp rising in air bubbles between them. He was choking—and he couldn't be sure, but he thought he could feel Rin laughing silently before swimming closer, hands cupping Aiichirou's face. And then Rin's lips again, but this time Rin was _breathing_ with Aiichirou instead of kissing, if not for the briefest moment where his tongue touched Aiichirou's and the roof of Aiichirou's mouth, tickling sensation that made Aiichirou giggle a bit.

Aiichirou reached out, wrapping his arms around Rin's shoulders, legs brushing against Rin's as they tried to keep themselves underwater. He felt the muscles of Rin's shoulders relax.

At last the light from the torch retreated, the surface of water dark once more, and Rin was pulling him up, towards the edge of the pool.

*

'Senpai?'

Nitori's voice sounded unsure, breathless, small, like a lost child's. He had pulled away from Rin as soon as they'd got out of the pool, walking to where he had dropped Rin's towel, picking it up, wiping his face with it.

'Ai,' said Rin. 'That's my towel.'

Nitori looked up, lips moving silently. And then Rin noticed that Nitori's shoulders were shaking, and what he thought were drops of water trickling down Nitori's cheeks were tears.

'I'm sorry, senpai,' said Nitori, between sobs.

'Ai,' said Rin, and he stepped closer to Nitori, leaned over, pressed a kiss on the top of Nitori's head. 'Ai, don't cry.'

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rarely ever cuss in the narrative, and here I did it _twice_. Also, it didn't turn out as humourous as I expected.  >.>
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
